As I begin, I remind you that everyone works through grief in her/his own way and some take a longer or shorter time than others. And with me there are several factors that may be contributing to a more rapid healing. First, I tend to process things deeply, with great emotion, and this obviously helps when working through sorrow. I am also one who has always embraced change quickly--this means that the huge changes thrust upon me by Jettie's death haven't traumatized me like they would some folks. Also, I have for a number of years been blessed with an incredible walk with Abba, and, even in the darkest times, the deep well of this life with Him has made it possible for me to hear His voice and sense His "strong right hand" holding onto me. I have also been blessed with many who love me and pray for me, and it is, I think, mostly through the prayers of the saints that I am still standing today! I also know that I have a call on my life that needs to be stepped into without unnecessary delay--thus I have told Papa often that I don't want to languish in sorrow if there's a way to embrace it and then move past it. I very much want to live the life He has for me so that others may benefit by knowing Him more deeply. I therefore want nothing to slow my journey into the future. Finally, over the years God has enabled me to store up a fairly large reservoir of Scripture in me so that even when was not emotionally ready to "read the Bible," its truths were still with/in me and therefore available to Holy Spirit to use to speak to me.
But having pointed out these factors, some of which may or may not be present in various ways in others, I still think I should share what God has done in me to move me towards healing so that you and others may be encouraged to believe that He will work similarly in you.
First and most importantly, this is something God has done! The other day I was remembering that in the story of Joseph (Genesis 37, 39-50) the author explains how Joseph got where he needed to be with the simple phrase, "but the LORD was with Joseph." And so as I write I am deeply aware that “the LORD was with Tom.” As I have noted in earlier entries, Papa's promise to lead me through the mourning process has been wonderfully kept! I cannot tell you how “present” Papa has been! "I AM with you" has taken on much deeper meaning because He has been speaking, leading, gently correcting, bringing others and their words at just the right time, etc. And the good news here is that this truth is for everyone. The same God who has guided me through this process will guide anyone who listens for His voice and surrenders to His leading!
Here, then, are some specific things He did that I think may encourage you and others you know.
- He kept reminding me to listen, listen, listen to Him and to respond to what He was saying! Once the "time of tsunami" was done (the season where you are too stunned to do much of anything--about two months for me) He started speaking very clearly, urging me to listen and trust and do what He was saying. Sometimes that meant leaning into an emotional moment, other times it meant moving away from it. Sometimes that meant making some hard choices about letting go of something, other times it meant permission to treasure something and carry it into the future. The bottom line was for me simply to listen and respond. Too simple, eh? But it is that simple, yet as I have said many times, simple is best but not usually easy!
- He led me to embrace reality. He showed me that there are two realities that I needed to embrace simultaneously: First, there was the reality of my loss and of the permanent change that came as a result. One example of how He did his is that He had me take off my wedding ring very early on. At first I wondered why He had me do that so early, but I quickly noticed that my feeling the "missing ring" was His gift of reality to me. Every time the odd sensation of the missing wedding band came, I was gently but clearly reminded that Jettie no longer lives here on earth and that my life has changed forever. And there have been many more ways in which He has had me embrace the "cold, hard reality" of loss. But far more important and more beautiful than this, He has led me to embrace the reality of Heaven! I wrote a little about this on April 19, but I want to elaborate a bit more on how this helps so much by citing two quotes from a remarkable book, Room of Marvels, by James Bryan Smith. "When we cry, 'Come back,' it is for our own sake. We never stop to consider whether their return, if it were possible, would be good for them. We want then back to restore our happiness. But in truth, we could not wish anything worse for them." (p. 56). "As Christians we know--or at least have heard--the glorious words of Christ and his people about their future life in the presence of God. But, frankly, few really believe them. To really believe them would mean acting straightforwardly and spontaneously as if they were true. It would require being confident that with every pore of our being that any friend of Jesus is far better off dead. It would be to rejoice, in the midst of our parting sorrows, over the indescribably greater well-being or our loved one who has moved on 'further up and further into' the greatness of God and his world." (Dallas Willard in an afterword on p. 187). To these quotes I add what Father said to me soon after Jettie's transfer to Heaven, "You don't have to grieve Jettie's suffering and pain because I have transformed them!" This word, given every time I tried to go to the places of trauma and pain, constantly pulled me back to the reality of Heaven, and I cannot overstate the power this has had in bringing me out of the valley of weeping!
- Third, He brought many others into my life who shared my sorrow and gave counsel and encouragement as needed. Everyone says to those grieving, "Don’t journey alone," of course, but the truth is that there is a tendency to want to go off in a cave and lick our wounds. Yet God blessed me with many who gently pursued me, prayed for me, listened to me and spoke timely words to me. And along the way, I learned to lay hold of these gifts of grace when they came to me. One of the most powerful healing moments in my entire journey came through a passing remark by my friend, Tony, who simply noted his realization that Maxine's (his first wife) "assignment on earth was finished." Those words were taken by the Holy Spirit and transferred directly to my heart: "Tom, Jettie's assignment on earth was finished." And something remarkable happened in that moment that allowed me finally to release to God all my questions about "What else could I have done, Did I fail, etc." (Thanks, Tony, dear friend!). And there were many more timely words from many others, of course. And because God has called me to a listening posture, I think by His grace I have caught at least some of them, and in catching them my heart has been healed! Listening seems to be a real key here, eh?
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