The Proverbs 31 Man

     No, this title is not a typo. Many of you have heard references to a “Proverbs 31 woman” more than once (often in Mother’s Day sermons for those of us who are church-goers), but I am writing today about the Proverbs 31 man. Yesterday, in a coaching conversation with two P31 women, something was triggered in me that led to my sensing a need to address the importance of us men becoming P31 men. During the conversation, Judi (thanks, Judi!) mentioned how God had shown her the importance of the husband’s role in the formation of a P31 woman (see Proverbs 31:28-29). That immediately set off all kinds of thoughts in me! One of my deepest convictions is the importance of others in helping us reach our God-intended potential. This means that P31 women reach their fullest potential when the men around them are P31 men.

     None of us can become all that God intends, or realize our identity and destiny, in a relational vacuum. A P31 woman becomes that kind of woman in community, a P31 man becomes that kind of man in community. For those called to marriage, God wants this to happen through the marriage relationship, augmented by a supportive community around the couple and their family. For those called to be single (or single for a season because of circumstances) there is still a need, in my opinion, for a caring community of both men and women to help women and men "flourish into" their destiny. So I write today to the men about the qualities of a P31 man. Please note, though, that this isn’t a “to-do” list but an invitation for you as a man to begin a dialogue with God about how He wants to lead you into growth as a P31 man. Note also, ladies, that the same qualities will work for you in your relationships as well.

     Here are some of my discoveries as I looked more carefully at Proverbs 31. (You will probably want your Bible open to Proverbs 31 as you read this).

     First was the rather surprising discovery that this entire chapter is really the sayings of the mother of a man we know only as King Lemuel! That King Lemuel dared to quote a woman, even his mother, is truly remarkable given the general disdain for women in OT times, and it leads to my first observation about a P31 man: A P31 man has great respect for women. He may have learned this respect from his mother--that is probably God's intention--but God has other ways for men to learn to respect women (I wish I could take time to elaborate on this one!). 
     So to my men friends I say, “If you struggle to respect your wife or perhaps women in general, get healed, my friend!” Over the years I have observed that healthy, truly strong men are never threatened by strong and capable women, even women who are overly aggressive because of their being repressed and disrespected by men! I have also discovered that insecure and broken men are almost always threatened by strong women, healthy or not-so-healthy. Dear friends, respecting others is so very important to our becoming a community of healthy Jesus follower! You can only help bring healing to a broken woman or man if you are able to affirm their strengths while helping them address their brokenness. Many men try to “fix” broken, yet strong, women by crushing their strengths, by crushing everything about the woman. This is obviously harmful, not helpful, and comes out of the man’s fear no matter how much he quotes some supposedly biblical principle (you get my point, I think). Can you tell I am passionate about this one? :-)

     So, husbands, if your wife’s quest for her destiny threatens you, please get help! God knows how to blend the destinies of a man and a woman, and you will not reach yours while thwarting hers and she obviously won't reach hers if you are obstructing it because of weakness and fear. So, brothers, whether your wife is called to be a strong and visible "Deborah" (Judges 4-5) or an equally strong but behind-the-scenes Dorcas (Tabitha, see Acts 9:36-41), know that a P31 man will do all in his power to help her become who she is God-created to be!

     My second observation about a P31 man is that a man can be a P31 man throughout every stage in his life and can be present in every role a man might possibly fulfill: son, husband, father, etc. We see this in verses 28-29 where we read of the children blessing their mother along with her husband. What we see here, then, is a father and husband modeling the character and actions of a P31 man to his children, so that his sons are taught by example to bless, release and encourage the women in their lives. P31 men start out as P31 sons, and that means that parents can begin to groom their sons in this P31 life long before the sons become husbands and fathers. So a P31 man who is a husband and father is intentionally contagious :-), seeking to infect not only his children but those in the community around him with his healthy attitude towards women.

     I found a third observation in verse 23: "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes a seat among the elders of the land. This speaks of moral character and wisdom, noticeable by the community around the man. A P31 man has prioritized character above achievement, wisdom above success, others above his own aspirations--I could go on, but you get the picture. (As you know, the Bible always places character and relationships above achievement or gifting.)

     Finally, I have hinted at my fourth observation: a P31 man knows the power of encouragement and release in helping others achieve their destiny. (see verses 28-29). From the place of His own wholeness, the P31 man chooses encouragement and release as two of his primary "tools" for facilitating maturity in those around him. I could write a lot about this, but I trust you already the importance of genuine encouragement for helping people grow. (Perhaps I will write next week on the power of encouragement, just in case!). And as for the power of release, I know that this is a rare quality ("control" seems to be worshiped even in the Christian community), but I have never met anyone who achieved maturity by being controlled rather than encouraged and released. Sigh...I could write more about this, too, but maybe later. This is already a long entry.

     So there you have it: random thoughts on the qualities of a P31 man. I write this most of all as an honor to the women in my life. It is their strengthening me and patience with me that enabled me to see and experience what I know about how to become a P31 man.

Pressing in to Papa with hope of becoming...

Tom, one of Abba's P31 men