I lost my "peace" today, and the result was not pretty! I pinched my left index finger with some pliers I was using (big blood blister), I lost my temper more than once, at one point even consigning a washing machine to perdition, and generally went blustering about most of the afternoon and evening as I continued to try to get my new house fully habitable.
But in the midst of all my blustering God was remarkably close, and I knew it. How can that be? I was filled with anxiety and that led to my anger, etc. Isn't anxiety a sin? Doesn't God withdraw from us when we sin? If you are thinking that way then you don't yet get the good part of the Good News, my friend. :-)
Hmmm, where to start... Okay, let's start with anxiety/fear. I know that it came because at some point today I subtly but consciously made a decision to seize control of my life. I also know that it was partly due to the grief that hovers under the surface, ready to pounce on me at unpredictable times in unpredictable ways (especially today perhaps since it's a Saturday, the day that Jettie died). I also know that I am tired from traveling, fighting off a cold, etc. And so I got in quite a tizzy today as things piled up on me. But God was close at hand, even in my fear and anger. Yup, He lives right inside of me, folks, and He doesn't take a vacation when I lose my cool or take control of my life. And like any good Father or loving Friend, He enters into the painful things that cause my angst, waiting for me to calm down, slow down, come to my senses so that I will pause and listen and let His pursuing love catch me.
But isn't anxiety a form of unbelief and isn't unbelief a sin? Yes and no. Yes, our fears come upon us because we haven't yet fully learned to trust God, and yes, Father is always inviting us to live closer to Him so that we don't get afraid. But to categorize that kind of fear as sin misses the point of the relationship God desires with us. God wants you back when you turn from Him and do your own thing because of fear. He's already taken care of sin so that He can have you back the moment you turn around (and remember, He never really "leaves" since He lives inside you by His Spirit!)
I haven't found it helpful, when anxiety is great within me, to focus on my failures or add the worry about sinning to my other worries! Besides, all of our sins (past, present and future) have been forgiven already so that our way to Father's heart is always open. (Confession is important, so don't panic and start quoting 1 John 1:9! But confession is for our benefit--to remove the relational separation we experience because of our sin.)
So Papa was close to me all day today, even in my fuming and fussing (and even in my swearing!). Yes, He desires better for me, and I will walk in that more and more as I live in His love and learn to respond more quickly to His overtures the next time I get all wound up.
"when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19 (Not "you told me I was sinning and to knock it off!")
I'm just saying...
Tom, one of Abba's little boys
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