Why Is It Taking So Long Me to Get Better?????

I was ambushed by a wave of mourning again this past week. Some of it was expected. Jettie's birthday was last Thursday, June 30, and I knew that "first" would be a bit rough, and it lived up to expectations with grief starting several days before the actual date then abating by the time the actual date arrived.

But the deep emotions and sense of loss didn't stop. Instead I felt like I was being assaulted by one wave of sorrow after another! I began to wonder if I had somehow messed up this mourning thing! But once again, Papa came to me, speaking to me through the Comforter, and reminded me that I was actually in the midst of three "firsts" within a short period of time: her birthday, July 4th (which she loved) and then our son Jon's birthday (today--happy birthday, beloved son!). As soon as Holy Spirit told me this, the lights came on for me. No wonder it felt like wave after wave was coming over me, with me having just enough time to get upright before being hit again!

It's a marvel to me how understanding something helps us to go through it. Just having God show me what was happening helped me put fears aside and once again lean into my mourning and embrace the tears. Our God is so very, very good, and I am grateful beyond words for His kindness to this still very broken man!

But there's more to this season right now, and I think I am supposed to share it with you. Obviously, one question that has come up for me of late is "Why is this taking so long?" In typical male fashion I keep wanting to get this thing over with! And because I am in a wonderful new relationship I had been thinking that I was indeed done with all of this, except for a few minor bumps. Okay, so that's a bit naive, but I am an indomitable optimist!

Anyway, Papa has been kind enough to answer my question about this, and I thought I would share a few of our conversations about this, lifted once again from journal. I trust that our conversation will be of some encouragement or other use to some of you.

From my journal entry on July 5 (with minor edits).

And speaking of my loss, you reminded me this morning that I have experienced a double loss in that Jettie was not only my lover but also best friend. I shared everything with her, as you know. This is a big thought, Papa, and one that helps me understand why more time is needed for mourning and for building relationship with CJ. And I also know this will go into what I write and/or speak about to others about the journey through grief and loss.

Pai, thank you, too, for the conversation with Jon. I was so broken that I couldn’t really talk that much, as you know. I am so broken right now, Papa, that I can’t even think of the conversation without starting to cry. What’s up with this, Papa? This is the most broken I have been since Valentine’s Day, I think, and it feels a little “dangerous” in that I am not very much in control of my emotions nor am I aware of what’s up! But I am still certain that you are holding me, Papa, in your righteous right hand.

But now, Papa. I seek your face. I am weary, as you know, of being so scattered and fragmented, but I cannot reassemble myself! My heart is still broken, I guess, on many levels.

But you are the One who heals the brokenhearted, so I bring my broken heart to you. Ah, Papa. Ah, Lord Jesus! Ah, Spirit Holy! I don’t want to go back in my journal even though I am sensing telling me to do so! But when I do go back, you send me back only 6 months, and there I find much treasure, including the truly apropos quote from Henri Nouwen, “The more afraid we are, the harder waiting becomes.” How true and how fitting for this season I am in right now when fear is once again troubling me. But I will rest in you.

From my journal entry on July 7 (with minor edits).

Papa, you know all things, though, so you know I am still more fragile than I expected to be this trip. I am fairly sure, too, that it’s connected with the challenge I am having getting and staying centered, yet even in this strange place I marvel at the level of peace I live in. Thank you for holding onto me so tightly, Father! But I long for more, so much more! And, Papa, I so don’t want to presume on your grace!

But even this morning, Papa, I find you reminding me that I am still more broken than I realize. Sigh. But I hear you encouraging me, and I find my mind and heart running to your word. But I dare not spend too much time “in my head,” Father, so I run back to you.

And as I listen, you tell me to go back one year, and I fearfully do so. It still hurts so much, Father! But it hurts differently than at first. Now it seems more about simply feeling loss. The first few months it felt more like I was grieving my sense of failure. It is clearly healthier to grieve loss! And the loss is far greater than I realized because it was obscured at first for a number of reasons. But I feel it now, Papa! Forty-one years! Why did I ever think I would recover from this in just a few short months? But you have led the mourning process all along, so here I am.

So there you have it. I am hoping that my transparency will once again serve at least some of you, if not right now then later. And I trust that you see most of all that this is so about God, not me. He is the one leading this process, carrying me along, speaking clearly and persistently until I get it. And the One who is Kindness and Grace will be just as persistent in His Kindness to you, dear one.

Healing at His pace...

Tom, one of Abba's wounded little boys