The Healing Power of Forgiveness

     A few weeks ago (May 28), I wrote about the "healing power of healthy relationships." Today I expand on this in a way by writing about one of the most important factors in healthy relationships (the free flow of forgiveness) which also turns out to be one of the most important factors in physical, emotional and relational healing: forgiveness.

     I suppose the connection between relational health and forgiveness is obvious, but if it is that obvious I wonder why it isn't at the top of the list for people with relational challenges. Personally, I believe that listening and the free, two-way exchange of forgiveness are the two most important factors in healthy relationships. Constant forgiving and re-forgiving are non-negotiable parts of good relationships, in my opinion. (The Bible would seems to agree, given its constant emphasis on forgiveness).

     The connection to emotional health may be just as obvious, I guess, but again I wonder if that's the case why forgiveness isn't the first response in pursuing emotional health. Just wondering...

     But what about physical health? I have written previously about the connection between receiving supernatural healing and forgiveness (see this article, for example). But my recent reading of yet another remarkable book (now moved to my highly recommended list), Deadly Emotions, by Don Colbert, M.D., has brought forgiveness into renewed focus for me. Although Dr. Colbert lists many "deadly emotions," I couldn't help but notice that those related to unforgiveness were at the top of the list (anger, bitterness, cynicism, drivenness, etc.)! And Dr. Colbert's suggestions for dealing with toxic emotions, although far more ranging than just forgiveness, make forgiveness one of the very most important factors in living healthily.

     "But I have already worked through forgiving ______ ...." So say most North American Christians. I have been astonished at the depth of deception many believers walk in regarding their need to forgive. They are angry, perfectionistic, controlling, passive-aggressive, etc.--all of these often symptoms of unresolved hurts--yet they think they have dealt with the things that feed these negative (and deadly) emotions! Dear ones, if negativity is part of your life in any ongoing way, something isn't right! And more often than not, the inner healing needed in such a case begins with a serious, lengthy and specific round of forgiving people (and sometimes God and/or oneself). Often I find that asking a person to "re-forgive" gets things started, sometimes releasing an avalanche of emotions, especially when the person names and forgives very specific things.

     Dr. Colbert notes that forgiveness may indeed involve a process before we are truly able to forgive from the heart. I quote him below.

Forgiveness releases layers of hurt and heals the raw, jagged edges of emotional pain. Saying "I forgive" is like taking an emotional shower-forgiveness cleanses and frees the entrapped soul.

Many times we have to take an initial step of forgiveness to start the forgiveness process. Sometimes we must repeat the act of forgiving each time a new set of painful memories comes to the surface.

One woman, who had divorced her abusive husband, said to me, "I know why Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7. I think I've forgiven my former husband 370 times by now. I just may need another 120 times of forgiveness before I get to the bottom of the forgiveness well!" (See Matt. 18:21-22.)

     Don Colbert M.D.. Deadly Emotions: Understand the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection That Can Heal or Destroy You (Kindle Locations 1684-1689). Kindle Edition.

     Here are a few more thoughts on forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness is rooted in God's forgiveness for us. Most NT passages about forgiveness make this abundantly clear, including Jesus' compelling parable about forgiveness in Matthew 18:23-35.
2. Forgiveness is never given on the basis of the other person(s) deserving it. Dr. Colbert says, "Forgiveness is not based on finding some redeeming quality that makes a person worth forgiving. We can never base genuine forgiveness upon an individual's 'good behavior' compensating for his previously hurtful behavior. Forgiveness is something that happens on the inside of you-it comes solely from your desire to forgive for the sake of forgiving." Deadly Emotions (Kindle Locations 1699-1701). Forgiveness is simply handing the other person over to God, releasing them and your right to "hurt them back."
3. In the case of deep and continuing hurts, forgiveness is usually a process, repeated often, going deeper, etc.
4. Forgiveness does not mean continuing to put oneself in harm's way.
5. Forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation with the other person. It may open the door for it, but it is a one-sided act on your part that releases you from bitterness and the other person into God's care.

     I could write more here, I suppose, but I think I will simply leave this to you and the Holy Spirit to sort out. Scripture makes it clear that there is a connection between forgiveness and healing (see James 5:14-16), and it also admonishes us to shower forgiveness (literally "graciousness") on one another as God has showered grace-filled forgiveness on us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13 come to mind). Try it. You may be amazed at the depth of healing that is released in you or in others you care for.

Tom, one of Abba's little boys