Three Years Later...

     This past Wednesday marked the 3rd "anniversary" of Jettie's passing from this life. Her exit coincided with my sister's birthday, so even if my internal clock weren't still keeping track my calendar would!
     God has healed me in many ways over the past three years. I am still being healed, of course, but perhaps for the first time since the "great sorrow day," I feel ready to write some reflections on what I have experienced and learned on my journey from ashes to beauty. I didn't really want to write about this today, but Father seems insistent that I do, so I trust that someone out there may need what He gives me to share. So here are a few things I have learned so far.
     First and most importantly, I have learned by experience in more ways than I can describe just how tender, faithful and loving God is. To prepare for this entry I went back and reviewed some of my early reflections in grief, and I was once again amazed at how God has guided the healing process, supporting and directing me even when I was unable or unwilling to cooperate. The entry for December 19, 2010 was especially remarkable to me because of what I plan to write today: much of what I wrote there foretold what I now describe as my experience. Papa, you are so amazing, so loving beyond comprehension and description!
     Second, I have learned that, especially when the relationship with the loved on is a really good one, grief takes much longer to recover from and affects us in more ways than we could ever imagine. One of the most surprising effects of my loss was the eruption of fear in virtually every area of my life. I felt unprecedented fear in the oddest of situations, not just the ones one would expect! I felt fear while driving, especially going over overpasses or driving in traffic (of which there is plenty in Houston!). I felt fear whenever I would get ready to eat something ("What if it was the type of food that she ate that killed her???"). I felt fear that I would never again be able to return to the Secret Place life. I was afraid that God would ask me to be a bachelor forever (I make a terrible bachelor!). You get the picture. I am glad to report that now, of course, those fears are gone. "I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." 
     It also takes much longer to recover from deep loss than I ever anticipated. I found myself trying to rush the process in spite of God's encouragement not to set deadlines! And if anyone would have told me that it would take me about 2 1/2 years to get past the major part of the grief I wouldn't have believed them. If anyone had told me that it would take longer than three years for me to remember the past without tears at times, I wouldn't have believed them. How grateful I am for friends and loved ones (especially my beloved Charlie) who are more patient with me than I am! And I am even more grateful for a God who never runs out of patience and who has not once "rushed" me through this recovery process.
     And that brings me to the third important learning. It is absolutely essential for God to guide the process. Living loved and listening are not optional for the person who would recover from deep loss.
     And here are few more things I've learned which I won't take time to expand upon:

• Impatience with oneself never helps! Running into Papa's arms helps immeasurably.
• Everyone of us is different in terms of how we must process grief. Yes, there are some common threads (whoever said that decisions would be more difficult, resulting in some odd choices was spot on: I have had three different new trucks since the great sorrow day! Ouch!). But anyone who thinks that they can fully understand another's grief is simply wrong. Only God can fully understand, and only He can enable us to help the healing process in others. My own loss enables me to understand to a greater extent another's loss, but I dare not lean on my experience alone if I am to help them move from ashes to beauty.
• It's good to laugh again! :-) Laughter returning was one of the most healing things in my own journey (and my dear Charlie makes me laugh a lot. I smile as I write this!)

     One final string of thoughts I think I need to add here: things I would have done differently. I write these down mostly so that you can learn from them. First, if I had a "do over" for this time, I would have sought help from a grief counselor. I am quite convinced that help from counseling would have made for a a more wholesome experience. Second, I would be kinder and more patient with myself, trusting God more than I have so far, to guide and lead the entire process. Third, I would have listened more to those closest to me (who often held back their words perhaps because I bristled or ran when approached by them!). 

     I close today, though, where I started: marveling at God's amazing grace, His unwavering faithfulness. Maybe some day I will be able to describe better than I can at present how many ways He has demonstrated these to me. For now, I simply say, "To you, O God, be honor, glory, thanks and adoration forever and ever. For you are good and your mercy endures throughout eternity!"

Marveling at wholeness in process from His hand,

Tom, one of Abba's children