The Christmas season sometimes gets me to thinking about how Christians are quick to go after the lesser things while missing the larger ones. It's especially puzzling to me how quick we are to fight to keep Christ in Christmas while being less likely to fiercely contend for the thing that will most change our culture: the healthy relationships that Jesus can create among His people who lived loved and listening.
Jesus gave only one commandment that He called a "New Commandment," so I assume that it's probably one of the most important ones, especially because He said that our living this one out would most clearly identify us as His people. But I need to paraphrase it, I think, to deChristianize it. "I give you a new commandment. Be in healthy relationships with one another. Just as I have related in a perfectly healthy way to each and all of you, so you must relate to one another. By this will everyone know that you are my followers, by the healthy relationships you have with one another." (John 13:34-35, Tom's paraphrase). But wait, Tom! You downgraded "loving one another" by stating it this way. Well, not really. The problem is that when we say "love one another" we do strange, "Christian" things with Jesus' meaning and miss His point that loving one another leads to noticeably healthy relationships. It's far too easy to spiritualize the word "love," even though it's clearly defined by Jesus' life, by God's actions, by Paul's writings, etc. So bear with me, please, and consider what Jesus was aiming for: a healthy unity among all of His people, modeled first and most effectively in families ("Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church," comes to mind). No wonder the enemy has worked so hard to hide the truth that healthy relationships are not only possible but essential if the world is to see Jesus in us!
So today I want to write about just one aspect of living in healthy relationships: healthy communication. These are just a few thoughts today, of course. Books have been written on this subject. But these come from a lifetime of experience and interaction with God's word and I trust are distilled down a bit to make it easier for you pack them away so Holy Spirit can shape you with them.
But first, as that sentence implies, these are not principles to be applied in your own strength but tools for you to offer to the Holy Spirit for Him to use to shape you and lead you into healthier communication with those closest to you. Once you know, for example, that listening for understanding is the most important key to healthy communication, you can invite Holy Spirit to prompt you when you need reminding of that! I think you get the picture. So let's look at a two keys to offer Holy Spirit as He teaches you how to become healthier in your relationships by being healthier in your communication skills.
First, the underlying foundation of good communication is to remember that the purpose of communication is to reach mutual understanding. Note that I didn't say agreement, but understanding. If we make agreement our target, we are moving away from nurturing the relationship towards controlling the other person. Agreement often comes, of course, when understanding is achieved, but it can't be the goal.
This underlying foundation is why the first and most important key to healthy communication is listening to the point of understanding. There is a reason, of course, why the Apostle James said, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19 NIV). Understanding is built on good listening more than artful speaking! There are, of course, many challenges to our putting this into practice, beginning with all of the "filters" we put words through when we hear them. But God's Spirit is wonderfully able and willing to help us become aware of our filters as well as helping us to hold our reactions in check if we ask Him! I could write volumes on this, I think, especially because I am a coach and coach trainer, but for now I will simply suggest that you try really listening on for a while. Start with those closest and invite them to share with you until you both know that you have reached mutual understanding. This one thing will revolutionize your relationships as God enables you to put it into practice more and more.
The second key to healthy communication does have to do with the "sending part" of communication. Mutual understanding obviously requires mutual listening and mutual sending. The important thing here, though, is to try to send in the way that's most likely to result in the other person really understanding what you say. This means that scriptures like Ephesians 4:15, 25 and 29 come into play. These are the only two I am going to address today because of time constraints. Verses 15 and 25 speak of being truthful in our communication in the context of love for the one receiving the message. Truthfulness is essential for trust to develop between people, of course. And transparency is also an essential part of intimate relationships when it is strategically exercised (i.e., not "letting it all hang out" all the time, but sharing what needs to be shared at the appropriate time in an appropriate manner for understanding to be attained). But it's verse 29 that is for me the gem of the sending part of communication: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (NIV). Paul here reminds us that communication works best when our "sending" is other-oriented to the max. This doesn't mean that we don't share our hearts, dear ones, because others do need to know who you are. Others are built up by hearing your hurts, joys, etc. That's what relationships are all about. But if I am other-oriented in my communication then I will ask God to help me be sensitive to the other person in terms of timing, how I phrase things, what my body language is saying, etc. Most of us know that there are hundreds of ways to communicate a need to another, but usually there's only one that doesn't trigger a reaction rather than the response we were looking for! For example, I try never to use the word "Why" in sharing with people because it almost always puts them into defensive mode. Good coaches know that "Help me understand..." or "Could you help me understand" are better ways to ask a person about motives. Sigh...I could go on and on here, but this is a blog, not a book! For now I simply suggest that you meditate on Ephesians 4:29 and ask Holy Spirit what it would look like in your closest relationships.
Hmmm. This is already getting too long, so I think I will wait until next week to share some of the ways I have learned to cooperate with God in making these more and more a part of my life. (I will give you a hint--living aware of His Presence, living in His peace, paying any price to stay there, is a major part of it!)
I close with two more thoughts. First, no one I have ever met has gotten communication perfected, so another major part of healthy relationships is the constant exchange of forgiveness :-) More on that later, I guess. Second, one thing that really helped me in my listening to others was a wise man pointing out to me that it's a myth that people say what they really mean when they are angry. The truth is that people are least likely to say what they want to say when they are angry. Think about it and you will get it, I trust. So if you are wondering if those angry words are really what the other person thinks or feels, rest in the fact that the answer is almost certainly "No." What they really think and feel is most likely to be communicated when they are calm and in control. That was good news for me when I heard it, and I felt led to share it here, so I trust it will serve someone.
More later...for now, I invite you to "keep Christ in Christmas" by living in the kinds of relationships that make His Presence in your life unavoidably obvious!
Learning to listen...
Tom, one of His little children
No comments:
Post a Comment