"The LORD was with him" is repeated several times in the story of Joseph in Genesis 39. It seems that each time Joseph finds himself in a "pit" of some kind, the Bible answers the pit experience with "but the LORD was with Joseph/him." And that has above all else been my experience over the past two years. From diagnosis to departure, the overwhelming theme of my life has been "the LORD is with me," and I continue to be overwhelmed by this to this very day. Yet this is exactly what Papa had promised as we started the journey way back in August 2009. One of the first scriptures given to us was Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
So in this context, I write again some things I am learning by experience about this beauty from ashes journey. I write these things not for me but for those of you who share similar losses (and all of us will at some point, of course).
First, I am learning about "firsts." Everyone says that the firsts are hard, of course, and my experience has proven this out. So far, every "first" (holidays, birthday, wedding anniversary, etc.) has triggered a journey into sorrow, usually several days before the actual date. Lesson learned? You cannot avoid these moments, but you can be prepared and not freak out when the emotions go out of control. Knowing that grieving the firsts has also helped me when unexpected firsts hit me. As I have noted before, our subconscious self keeps track of things even when our conscious mind is not aware of them. I have discovered that unknown firsts would ambush me: first time I saw a Wendy's, first time I saw any car like the ones Jettie drove over the years, even the first anniversary of when all medical help was gone (July had some very hard grieving because of that one!). But I have also discovered that once I realize what is happening, knowing that it's normal to be triggered by firsts helps me run to Papa and have Him put things back into perspective as He holds me and catches my (many tears).
Second, I have learned that little surprises that trigger tears continue to come even 11 months into the journey. The difference now, of course, is that the tears are fewer and last a shorter time. God does heal our broken hearts, dear ones. This hasn't happened fast enough for my tastes, but because He is with me, I know that healing is coming at just the right pace. So for those of you who find yourself still triggered, know that Papa's embrace is there for you, always and every time.
Third, I think I have also learned that the depth of our relationship with God going into a time of grief helps to mitigate some of the effects of loss on us. Everyone grieves some (or should), of course, but those who know Jesus don't have to "sorrow as those who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). The most noticeable area for me in this has to do with my lack of anger. I have felt very little anger at God during this entire journey and can honestly say I have never felt anger at Jettie for "leaving us." As I have pondered this, I realized that the tender walk with Papa that He has graced me with plus my unshakeable confidence in His goodness (He doesn't send or "allow" evil things--see my earlier blog about this written December 6, 2010) have somehow made it really hard for me to be angry with Him. How can I be angry at the One who grieves with me, weeps with me, treasures my tears, redeems all of my losses, etc.? And how could I be angry at Jettie? No one ever fought harder to stay with her loved ones than she did. And the tender walk with my Papa has made it easier for me to remember this. So yes, I feel great loss, but the LORD is with me and the depth of His "with-me-ness" astounds me even as it turns me away from anger. (But I am not suggesting that others who experience anger are any less godly, etc. By all means, if you are angry then get it out in the open--that, too, is a mark of healthy relationship!).
Finally, (for now at least). I have learned a few things that have helped me move towards wholeness that I pass along to you.
- Papa has shown me to avoid regret like the plague! Regret never helps in any context, of course, but it is especially unhelpful in terms of the mourning process. Turn away from it when it comes knocking at your door.
- I have also learned not to fight the emotions that come upon me. As I have said elsewhere, once we get past the first couple of months of numbness and shock, we can choose when we pour out our tears, but we dare not stuff the emotions that roil up within us. There is, in my experience, tremendous healing in the process of cathartic (cleansing) weeping. Let the tears, the weeping, even the wailing, come!
- We cannot walk this journey alone! Even as an introvert who processes things best alone, I have been prompted many times to reach out to others who held onto me, listened to me, simply sat with me, etc., as needed. And above all this, many have been praying for my family and me and continue to do so. The evidence that "The LORD is with me" is perhaps most clearly seen in the love of the many others who walk with me. Please, dear ones, don't try this grieving thingy alone! Find others who do indeed know how to "weep with those who weep" and watch how it helps to heal your broken heart.
Okay, enough for now. I sincerely do hope that this yet another season of reflection will serve some of you in some small way.
The LORD is with me...and that says it all.
Tom, one of Abba's children
1 comment:
Oh, thank you so much for sharing this, Tom. Your openness as you walk through this journey brings healing to many as we read about HIS nearness in our brokenness.
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