Love and Cherish Until Death Do Us Part

These past few days, as I have walked each morning in this well-to-do California neighborhood, I have been deeply aware of the contrast between the many “toys” of the “boys” and the memories of how God changed my heart towards Jettie the last few years of our marriage so that "toys" became so unimportant. As our marriage entered into its 4th decade, I found it becoming more and more important for me to love and cherish her than to “play.” How grateful I am that Papa started making these changes in me before the terrible/wonderful journey took her into eternity!! My affirmations of love for her rang true in those hard times because they were already being lived out in the good times. Ah, Father, thank you! Only your grace could have made such deep changes in me and in time for dear departed Jettie to know for sure of my love for her!

Now why am I writing about this? Am I wanting to "toot my own horn"? Heaven forbid! I of all men recognize that it was God's grace at work in me that brought these changes. And I also know that they were partial at best! There are many warts on this life that God is still working on! But I am writing this to men who may be sensing that there's more to marriage than what is their current experience. But please note that the last thing I want to do is to motivate any man by means of shame or guilt, so please hear what I am writing as invitation to consider things, not an exhortation that says, "You ought" or "You should." But having said this, let me tell you a few things I learned about "love and cherish until death" parted Jettie and me 10 months ago, things that by God's grace I will carry into my next marriage as well.

A lot of the changes came as a result of a "Big Thought" God gave to me one day while He and I were hanging out: that all of the “one another” passages apply first to those closest to us; i.e., to our spouse and our children! For example, I realized that we could quite legitimately paraphrase the New Commandment in John 13:34-35 like this: “Everyone will know you are my follower by how you love your wife. Love her in the same way I love you, and they will know for sure that you are mine.” In other words, our increasingly healthy marriages, born out of God’s immense and immeasurable love for us, and as it overflows to our wives, is one of the best and most essential testimonies to Jesus. When others see Jesus’ love for His bride in our love for our bride—wow!

But here are some specific ways this "one another" thing can work out in our lives as husbands. Just for you to consider, okay?

First, we can work on being sure that our gifts for her cost more than our "toys" (not that I am very interested in toys these days). I have noticed that many men "buy toys" with the expectation that their wives will want to play with those toys as well, even if that's not something their wife likes. I spent many years doing this myself, trying to get Jettie to love being on the water in the many boats I had, etc. Anyway, why not try to give your bride gifts that say to her "I treasure you above everything else, especially my toys"? I invite you to consider whether that might be good for your marriage as well. :-)

Second, we can begin trying to learn to listen to her until we really understand her. As you attempt to put this into practice it will help to remember that the purpose of communication is understanding, not agreement. Agreement is about control, not loving and cherishing. Agreement is necessary for projects and tasks, but requiring full agreement in relationships can destroy them. You will be amazed at how just this one thing (really listening) will change your marriage if you aren't practicing it so well right now. Try it, you will both like it!

Third, we can learn her love language and started trying to speak it with consistency. Jettie's primary love languages were serving and giving. Thankfully, both of those are also mine, so she had been "hearing" my love for a long time. But the serving didn't really kicked into high gear until I took the time to discover it, then Papa allowed me to serve her in unbelievable ways the last months of her life--isn't He amazing! And now as I enter into another relationship I remain just as committed to speaking her love languages (which happen to be the same as mine--yippee!). I invite you to do the same in all of your relationships (our kids have love languages, too!).

Fourth, we can begin to consider how we might apply all the "one another" passages to our relationship with our wife. I think of Philippians 2:3-4: "Consider your wife better than yourself and consider her interests as just as important as yours." That one could take all day to describe, and no, I didn't live it out anywhere near perfectly with Jettie! But it's on the agenda for the rest of my life! And then there's all the other one another passages for us to grown into, eh?

Finally and most obvious of all: we can ask Jesus to show us really how to love her like He loves His Bride. We can be asking Jesus for creative ways to cherish our bride in the same way He cherishes His. It’s a prayer He loves to answer, and I look forward to hearing how He works that out in your lives!

Our 42nd anniversary would have taken place on the 24th of this month, so maybe that's why all of this is on my heart--I'm not sure. Regardless of the reason, I invite you men to consider new ways to love and cherish until death. As I learned so painfully, that last "qualifier" can happen sooner than we think.

Grateful to be learning to live loved and loving,

Tom, one of Abba's little boys