As the words of encouragement have come, I've noticed that I appreciate them best if I listen more to the heart behind the words rather than the words themselves. People sometimes say some odd things when they try to comfort me, and focusing on the content of these odd things has, at times, made me rather frustrated! But as I was voicing some of this frustration to Papa, He told me to listen to the hearts of those giving the encouragement, not just the words. No surprise that everything changed to the positive when I did what He suggested, eh?
As for giving comfort, here's a story and a few thoughts. The great composer, Ludwig van Beethoven, went to comfort the widow of a close friend who had recently died. Because he was deaf, Beethoven was not comfortable talking with people, so when the widow opened the door to him, he quietly went to the piano and sat and played and played and played. Then, without any comment, he left. The widow later said that his visit was one of the most encouraging things she experienced during her time of grief. I love this story, especially because so many have "played their songs" for me.
This story illustrates the importance of the heart in giving encouragement. The widow caught her composer friend's heart through his playing music. Comfort to the grieving is a heart thing, dear ones, not a head thing. Trying to give explanations, or the facts as you see them, rarely gives comfort to people. On the other hand, sitting silently with the grieving person, touching them appropriately, reminding them of something pleasant from the past, listening to their anguish without feeling a need to "fix them" or their theology--these things speak volumes. And as you listen to Papa, He will give you many other creative ways to share your heart. I know I have been the grateful recipient of many, many heart-to-heart messages, and they have helped sustain me in my grief.
Here are a few other things I have learned about comfort and grief.
First, I am convinced that God doesn't take people, rather He welcomes those of His children whom death takes. Following the logic of God "taking people" leaves us with a cruel God indeed! (Think about it!). Another faulty idea is that because God is sovereign everything that happens is His will. People who believe this make every death His will, everything good and bad that happens His will, etc. But again this leads us to a very cruel God who "kills babies and children," takes grammy away from her grandchildren, etc. Actually, this kind of god is the god of Islam, not the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. There are lots of things that happen in this sinful world that are not God's will, as you will realize as you reflect on what happens in our sin-twisted world. God's sovereignty means that He is able to take all things, even the worst of things, and redeem them to make them fit into His amazing story. In the end, then, everything will totally reflect His glory (goodness). But lots of individual things that happen are not God's will, except in the sense that He chose to create us with the freedom to choose. I could write more, but not now. The point is that God's knowing is not the same as His causing, and that His sovereignty is seen in His redeeming everything, not in His causing it.
Second, death is not healing! I am not sure where this rather strange idea started, but in the Bible death is an aberration from God's original intention and our enemy. Some have suggested that Jettie's death was her healing, but having watched her die I can assure you that what she experienced was not healing. Please don't feel bad if you said something like this to me! I know what you meant and I heard your heart. But death is what happens when healing doesn't happen (I am not in a place yet to hear Father's counsel about why healing didn't come, of course). But what we mean to say when we call death "healing" is that death, because it is a defeated foe, is the doorway to perfect and eternal healing. And because God is always redemptive, He can take everything, even the times when healing doesn't come, and turn it into something good for us.
Just a few thoughts--I will stop here. I am very much in the throes of grief, and those of you who have experienced what I am going through (and even worse), know especially how hard it is at times to think clearly, so I trust that what I am writing makes at least some sense. I also hope you hear my heart, most of all.
From the valley, deep and dark but rich with Father's grace and the love of His people,
Tom, one of Abba's children
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