Once again I find myself writing from the midst of our own journey through the valley. Today's big thought came this morning as I realized that exercising faith doesn't automatically make fear go away. Rather we walk through our fears based on the decision to trust God. Fear eventually goes away as we surrender and pray our way (by faith) into the place of rest in Papa's embrace. But even if I don't get to peace all the time, I can still trust Him in the midst of my fears.
So...the following is straight out of my journal from this morning (slightly edited). I don't often do this but felt led to share transparently what's going on right now :-)
Papa, I am not sure why you are having me re-read Hinds’ Feet on High Places, but I suspect it will read differently now. The last time I read it, I didn’t even notice that the two companions who escort Much-afraid are named Sorrow and Suffering! Papa, for sure the naïve, Pollyanna-like attitude I had in the past has been blown away. Jesus, you said that we would have tribulation in this world, but somehow I thought there was a way to avoid it and still get to the high places. Yet you have told me all along that there would be challenge!
Papa, this thought just came to me: I keep expecting faith to take away the feelings of anxiety that I sometimes wrestle with, but that doesn’t always happen, I guess. Certainly it appears that the apostle Paul wrestled with anxiety at times. On the other hand, there is a peace that passes understanding that we can get to, but faith merely opens the door to that place. We surrender ourselves all the way to the place of rest after choosing once again to transfer our confidence back from us to you. But one of my challenges continues to be my unawareness of my emotional state (or unwillingness to stop and deal with it). I think of how much fear came into me as I read yet another book on how to deal with cancer. Papa, what should I have done differently? I know you will show me because you love me and want to show us your ways. And even as I write this I realize that I had no clear leading to read the book at all! Sigh…but I am smiling as I write. “Listen, listen to me…” (Isaiah 55:2-3) comes to mind. Ah, Father. I get afraid and then I seize control and then I become even more afraid. Only you can rescue me from this vicious cycle, but I am grateful that I am not nearly as enslaved to it as I used to be!
Ah, Father. I know this, I think. But I still try to make it more complicated than it is!
Father, more now than ever I see that you are massively re-adjusting a paradigm I have had about suffering. Somehow I have unconsciously thought we could be exempt from pain and suffering. I am confused, Father, in some ways, because I don’t know how it is that we can pray for healing, etc., with conviction yet also accept everything as permitted by your hand. The Shack seems to have a better handle on this than most other things I have read, yet even there the suffering is unspeakable. How have I missed this? And where do we go from here? I know it’s not going to change your promises to heal, but clearly I should at least get over my surprise that bad things happen! And surely I should look for you in the midst of the storm and for how you are going to work. Beyond that, I wait for you.
Papa, thank you for reminding me on the walk that healing is ultimately a spiritual thing, not just a physical thing. You always have to over-rule the natural things to bring miraculous healing, of course, and that helps me not fret so much about eating, etc. We want to be wise, Papa, but we can trust you to guide us just as you have promised. It’s amazing how even “good things” and/or well meaning things can take our focus off of you and put it back on us or our problems. Thank you for beginning to rescue me from this once again!
Thank you, too, Father, for reminding me yet again that your answer to our fears is always, “I AM with you” or “I will be with you.” We look for solutions, for relief, and you offer yourself, a far more precious gift!
Thanks for listening to my heart poured out to Papa today,
Tom, one of Abba's little boys
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