"I'm Sorry" isn't Enough

When our sons were small, we did what a lot of parents do when a conflict arose between them. After emotions had cooled off, we would have them face one another and have them exchange forgiveness. The offending party would say, "Please forgive me," and the other one would dutifully (if not always sincerely) say, "I forgive you." Notice that we didn't have them say, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize"--I will return to that in a moment.

Now I will be the first to admit that "forced reconciliation" doesn't work, but we weren't really expecting genuine forgiveness to be exchanged at the moment our sons were being required to say these words. Instead we were attempting to set a pattern in their lives, which as we modeled it with sincerity, would lead to a teaching moment later when we would be able to explain why the exchange of forgiveness and not simply an apology is so important. We knew that this pattern when combined with the many times they saw Daddy or Mommy come to one of them and say (sincerely), "Daddy/Mommy was wrong, please forgive me" or saw Daddy say to Mommy, "Please forgive me," would eventually help them understand the supreme importance of relationships.

Now back to why "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" isn't enough. Do you know? It's not too hard to figure out. Look at the language of both of these phrases: who is the focus? Answer: I am. So neither of these terms expresses my valuing the other person or the relationship. (The word "apology" actually comes from a word that means to make a defense, hardly a concept that is consistent with reconciliation!). On the other hand, when I ask, "Will you please forgive me?" The focus has rightly shifted away from me to the person I have hurt. I am recognizing that I have wounded this person and I am telling him/her that I value my relationship with them enough to want the obstacle of my hurting them removed from between us. I am saying, "I have hurt you, and I treasure you and our relationship so much that I am asking you to release me back into the circle of your love."

But I wonder if even "I forgive" is always enough to fully communicate my value of the relationship. There are many times, I think, when I also need to offer to make things right, when I need to assure the other person that I will with God's help not harm them in this way again, etc. These ideas also communicate the value I place on the relationship. The bottom line, I think, is that if we begin with treasuring the other person and the relationship, God will show us how to achieve full reconciliation (which may take time if the wounds are deep, or may not happen at all if the other refuses to forgive, but that's another topic). Whatever the Father leads you/me to, though, I am certain that "I'm sorry" isn't quite enough!

A friend of mine recently gave me The Five Languages of Apology (Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas), which has an unfortunate title (Apology????!), but a quick glance at it reveals these same truths spelled out a bit more fully. The authors show five parts to the approach to reconciliation they call apology: "expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, requesting forgiveness." If you have read the book and want to comment on it, I would welcome your thoughts as well.

Enough for today, I think. May you learn to treasure others as much as Father treasures you and them (each and all of them) and may you know the joy of His total forgiveness that so wonderfully enables each of us to treasure relationship above "being right"!

Tom, one of Abba's children